Feels like the First Time
Meditation is Scientific
Meditation is very mysterious. It is scientific. It is precise. If you are dedicated to the practice, if you’re putting in the necessary time, the results will show. In that sense, meditation is spectacularly precise. Just like any other law of nature, gravity doesn’t alter itself. There is a law and it applies in all circumstances. If you know the mass of an object, if you know the weight of an object, if you know the size of it, you can pretty much calculate its gravity; how much gravitational force it’s going to exert. It’s precise. Nobody can alter it. It’s the same way with meditation.
If you are sitting in meditation, if you are watching your thoughts, it is a scientific fact that over a period of time you will begin to experience a sense of relaxation; you’ll begin to feel a sense of freedom. This is all real. These changes are real and permanent, and it’s not just momentary glimpses. It takes time because it’s real. Once you experience internal freedom or internal peace of mind, there is no going back from it. It’s always there. You can choose to forget it but you can always go back to it whenever you want to. In that sense, meditation is very scientific.
Meditation is Mystical
At the same time, meditation is something more than just a science; it is a mystical experience. A mystical experience does not fall within the boundaries of linear time and logic. That’s why it’s mystical; it happens quickly, it happens suddenly, it happens in a moment, it happens without notice. If you can explain it, then it’s science. If you cannot explain it and yet you can feel the effects of it and you can experience something, then that is mystical. One part of meditation is all about the method: Practice, dedication, focus, and continuing your practice. You can track your progress in months or in years. This is all part of the science of meditation.
Another part of meditation does not happen from the past to the future. It does not move in a linear fashion. It happens from this moment to a deeper moment. While you are thinking that you’re going ahead in meditation, you’re actually going deeper. This going deeper cannot be measured, because we have no way to measure the depth of anything. We can measure things that move from left to right or top to bottom; we can measure things that move in our spatial dimension. All of the things that happen within that other dimension, the fourth dimension of space where emotions and feelings happen; where the depth of perception happens, cannot be captured.
The most important thing that happens to us as human beings, as we grow into something, as we evolve into something, cannot be captured and cannot be seen. That part is the mystical part of meditation. It is beyond our comprehension. It is not just “ABC”; it is something else. The real part of meditation is a jump from this moment to this moment. That jump can happen anytime. When it happens, it happens to you as if it’s happening for the first time. That is why the real shift in meditation happens as if you were sitting in meditation for the first time.
Your Original Bliss
In meditation you’re not going anywhere; it only appears that way, and you feel like you’re going somewhere. You feel like you are changing, your transforming yourself, this and that, but in reality, What is meditation? It is getting back to your original state of bliss. That is why meditation is so beautiful. It is not to change you into something that you don’t want to be, it is to simply introduce you to your original nature. What is your original nature? Your original nature is the nature that you possess on the first day of your meditation, on the first day of your birth. Your original nature never changes. Your original nature is not your name, not your form, not a quality. It is simply you.
How can meditation be anything other than an experience that happens for the first time every time? In fact, the best experiences of meditation are the experiences that happened to you the first time every time. Every time you sit in meditation you have to feel like This is the first time I’m sitting. This is the first time I’m watching my thoughts – because it is true. Life, existence, or meditation does not understand time. They do not understand how many hours you’ve spent in meditation. They don’t even know that you sat in meditation a few days ago because that is what you’re trying to transcend. All these things are part of your mind: “I’ve meditated for 6 months, I’ve progressed this much.” You’re accumulating all these things in your mind while trying to go beyond the mind. You have to drop this perception of continuity because meditation has no continuity. In fact, it is one of the greatest experiences of discontinuity.
It’s an Illusion
If you are able to experience a single moment of discontinuity in this continuous flow of thoughts, continuous connectivity to the past, you will experience a transcendental reality which will give you a glimpse of who you really are. As of now, you have trapped yourself inside the perception of who you are, which is bound to your past and future. While you are sitting in meditation you are still believing in the illusion that you are making something happen. You are sitting in the illusion that you are moving towards enlightenment. You, sitting in the illusion of you that is connecting all these things, is an illusion. That is what you’re trying to go beyond.
If the you that understands time, that understands progress, that understands science, that understands things, is the very thing that you’re trying to go beyond, then how can meditation feel like anything other than an experience that’s happening for the first time? That is why the best experience that you can have in meditation is the feeling that you have not progressed, the feeling that you’re not going anywhere. That frustration is good. That frustration is the fuel for your meditation because you are trying to make a fundamental shift in the direction of your perception. It can happen at any moment, and you’ve been waiting for the moment for days, for months, or even years. It just doesn’t matter. When it happens, it happens to you as if it has happened to you for the first time. I’m not talking about enlightenment or awakening. I’m talking about the deepening of meditation; even a momentary bliss; a momentary glimpse of ecstasy. This is what you’re searching for.
You think that because you are meditating regularly you are progressing and eventually, you will experience it. In reality, ideas like: I’m progressing in meditation, I am sitting in meditation, are illusions. It’s all part of the mind. The “I” is an illusion, “am” is an illusion, “sitting” is an illusion, “meditation” is an illusion, your mind is an illusion, everything is an illusion. As long as you’re stuck in that illusion, you will only be stuck with an idea of you. Remember, this is the continuity that you have nourished, that you have cared for and have lived with.
Break the Flow of Thoughts
From the moment of your birth until now there has not been a single moment of absolute discontinuity in your thought process. It has been flowing like a continuous stream with no gap: While you’re sleeping, while you’re awake, while you’re talking, while you’re breathing, while you’re eating. In all moments it has been a continuous process. Those moments when there was a possibility of a breakage when you were closest to that absolute moment of discontinuity, you were so blissed out and you were so shocked with the experience that you could not be there for more than a few seconds. For example, the orgasmic ecstasy of sex. That is when you are closest to the discontinuity. You are in that bliss. It’s such a shocking experience because you have not nurtured yourself for that experience. You’ve just fallen into it without your knowledge. You’ve just figured out that If I do this, this, and this, at the end of it this will happen, but you don’t know how to get to that actual thing directly. That’s the only moment where you are somewhere close to the vicinity of the discontinuity. In that moment of bliss, what are you thinking about? Nothing. That is why immediately afterward, the entire episode of sex feels so ridiculous.
After that moment of bliss, the illusion comes back. When you think about it, to get to that reality of that moment you have constructed an elaborate structure of illusion. The pointlessness of it just hits you. People have asked me, “Why do I feel guilty after having sex?” The guilt is not because sex is wrong, the guilt is not because society has this idea that sex is wrong, the guilt is because you are able to see the ridiculousness of it all. To experience that single moment of bliss, what nonsense you have to do. That is what jolts you. “So I’m never going to have sex again, this is ridiculous. This makes me feel so weak. I’m so pathetic in those moments and what the hell have I been doing?”
The glimpse of bliss is so powerful, so intoxicating because it’s the Truth. It will draw you to it again until you find an alternative, and meditation is an alternative. Meditation is a way to get to the bliss directly. If you’ve not found meditation, then you will always be going back and forth, in terms of experiencing a single moment of bliss and spending most of the rest of your time feeling guilty about all the things that you’re doing. That is why a lot of your actions also seem pointless; all the things that you’re working toward in life.
In fact, if you ask me, the entire journey of life is a pointless exercise in trying to find the bliss that you are born with. It’s the thing that you have; you possess it! You missed it and you’re searching for it in all your experiences. So, the best experiences are the ones that happen to you as if they’re happening to you for the first time. That is what you are searching for. Even when frustration is happening, even when you’re not liking the idea that you’re not progressing in meditation, know that all these things are happening here, now, for the first time. Don’t get into the continuity.
Searching for Discontinuity
You are searching for a universal discontinuity from things. You want a single moment of gap between a continuous flood of thoughts. In that gap, everything is revealed to you. In that space, reality is revealed to you. You will know This is who I am, and that’s enough for you to know everything there is to know about life. What is birth, what is death, why are you here, what is the human journey, what is an ant, what is a butterfly? The entire Cosmos reveals itself because you’re simply falling into that gap of reality. As of now, you’re in the flood of illusions: Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts, more thoughts. Whatever you have grasped through your thoughts is only a perceptual reality, not actual reality.
When I see something, when I perceive it, I have perceived it based on the limitations of my senses. It’s all about perception. We live in perceptual reality. Our world is a perceptual world, and who’s perception? Human perception, our perception. We need to shift from perceptual reality to actual reality to know what life is, to know what the purpose of life is. It can happen any moment, without any continuity, without any support from the past and future. It will happen for the first time, so feeling like you’re meditating for the first time and that you’ve not progressed much is one of the best feelings in meditation.